Q.

I remember the long queue. The endless wait which ended ultimately. The sweaty armpits of the 'uncle' in front, which I imagined to stink worse than whatever I was smelling at that point of time. The yells and pushes of the people in the back. If I remember correctly, which I don't, I was in the queue for at least an hour. You are always made to wait before you approach divinity.

The euphoria surrounding worship has a life of its own. It ebbs or deflates within seconds. It doesn't matter how many people are part of the crowd. Everybody yells at the same time and hush to silence at the same time as well. As if all our voices are controlled by some invisible volume control device. And sometimes, this device has an in-built 'riot-mode' switch, but that's another story. 

This tale is not riotous, in fact, violence was far from it. This is a tale of a pilgrimage taken by me, along with a huge number of devotees. Must have been thousands of them. All of them, like me, waited with patience and impatience.. the impatience being clinically eliminated by the brave kakhi-clad, lathi swinging peacekeepers of our society. May God bless them. 

You can almost taste the tension in the air when the queue starts to move, even if it does for 5 seconds. There's a sudden surge in oxygen levels around you and for half - a - second you just stand there breathing deeply before you get pushed forward. This 5-second locomotion is a chutney of loud murmurs, random yells, falling water bottles and babies bawling. Babies! Who gets them to crowded places like this? They're bound to get irritated. I understand that an early exposure to divinity does help mould character (and all), but not at the cost of both the parents' and the kid's peace of mind! I was mainly worried that the baby behind me would throw up on me. Not that I've seen any baby throw up before, but weirdly, that was my principal worry. 

As the minutes passed by, we inched closer to the PASSAGE. The excitement levels gradually increased again. You could just sense it, feel your skin tingling in anticipation. People start to push harder and you try your best to hold your ground thinking I'm not going to get bossed by the two thousand people behind me waiting for Darshan. At moments like these, you realize you're going to make it through. You will be a happier person to know that you are not at the end of the queue anymore. You've made it to the Middle. And by God, nobody can take that away from you.

By being in the Middle of the queue, you are now part of a process you cannot leave. You will see to it that you reach the end. Nothing can tempt you from getting out. That is because you BELONG. Nobody can take your place and the people behind you will ensure that. They have your back. 

As we moved further, we could hear His name being chanted repeatedly. Thousands of people chanting His name at once! People standing on their toes, as we moved closer to the Passage, try in vain to get His glimpse. You know its useless but you try to get a glimpse too, almost losing your footing and risking your spot in the line. Try as hard as you can, but you just cannot deny that wave of euphoria engulfing you in all that noise. You feel charged with energy. An energy being conducted by a gigantic mass of people. And then you say to yourself, this is religion. 

It is something we all feel only when we are together, doing the same thing and waiting for the same spectacle. You cannot feel its glory on your own, its sway over our senses cannot be experienced in solitude. Religion is hard-core mass bro! 

And then you enter the Passage. The final few steps before you enter the Sanctum Sanctorum. Everything is hushed in the passage. If you really listen, you would know that the din hasn't subsided. But at this moment, everything is silent. Almost as if your ears are blocked and your senses are numbed. You do not know what to expect when you leave the Passage but you know you are getting off the queue soon. There is no Time in the Passage. You never know how long you spent waiting in the Passage. All that you know is that you are no longer part of a queue. You have left everything. Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything. The wait is almost over. Just a few more steps...

I hardly sit down in my seat with my beverage and there is a thunder-like rumbling all around as everybody gets off their seats and roars. He is walking in. He is finally walking in. We do not notice the swagger He deserves to display after a 100 centuries, but there He is. He reaches his spot and looks around quietly while thousands erupt in joyous abandon, excitement surging through every vein. They chant His name repeatedly. I do the same. You just can't stop yourself. You are one of them. 

As I plop back onto my seat, keeping my eyes on the score, I cannot but wonder - "Does God maketh the man, or does man maketh the God?" Well, my friends... now THAT is the Q. 

A Man Who Saw The Future (Fiction)

- an interview with Arthur Fjord

Founder – CEO, Futureman Inc.

Q. You have been asked a million questions before, and we’re sure you will be asked a million more. It certainly is difficult to remain in the centre of what seems to be like a media, political, religious and scientific hailstorm of controversies.

A: (laughs) I certainly seem to be having a unique problem, especially when I’m involved in both a religious AND a scientific controversy. I seem to have achieved the impossible already.

Q. But doesn’t it affect you? It must be a difficult task handling an organisation as big as yours while also answering this incessant downpour of questions daily. Or were you expecting your complicated concept to attract this kind of attention?

A: I believe everybody has understood the ‘complicated concept’, as you put it, completely. I believe the concept is not complicated at all. It is just difficult for some to accept it. A success story, however, always attracts attention. Now the kind of attention we get is not something we can control. But like they say, there’s no publicity called bad publicity. I could also be bold enough to suggest that all the attention has helped us grow bigger.

Q. You mean to say that you do not mind the controversies?

A: I do not understand why people term what we do to be controversial. We have been constantly delivering what we have promised to our investors and we will continue to do so. A lot of people do not accept what we do because it is something that hasn’t been done before. They term our dreams and our investors’ dreams to be outlandish and impossible, and it may be true. I do not know. But I do believe in the power and ingenuity of the human mind. The human race has always been achieving the impossible throughout history. I believe we are investing in our own capabilities as a race.

Q. A lot of people still believe that you are scamming and making a fool of your 2 billion investors while the company makes bigger and larger profits everyday

A: Firstly, I do not think it is possible to fool so may people. And we certainly have no intention of doing so. Secondly, all our dealings are open. Every person who invests in Futureman Inc., is a part – owner of the company. My own investment in Futureman is 5 dollars like everybody else. We make more money because we also invest this money like any other financial company does, in stocks, real estate, etc., and we use the best financial brains to do so. We are very careful with our investments because we have guaranteed a future return to each and everyone who believes in us, however distant the future is. Our biggest challenge is to see that our company never ceases to exist. And this is something our investors want too.

Q. A recent poll showed that almost 80% of your investors do not believe that time travel is possible, and yet, like all others, they have invested 5 dollars in your company. Why do you think this is the case?

A. Didn’t the poll ask them why they have invested their 5 dollars? In Futureman, I do agree that we all believe Time Travel will be possible in future, and yes, there will be a day when you could go to whichever year you want to in future and retrieve your money, with interest, whether it is 10 years, 100 years or even 1000 years into the future. Even though the 80% do not have faith in what we are proposing, they have invested in us because of our clause that in case of any inability to travel to the future, the investment becomes a life insurance policy. You may never see your money but after your death, your principal amount with interest will be transferred to your children or dependants or whomever you choose to receive it. Also, the profits we earn are constantly being used to make this world a better place for everyone. We have programmes to educate children from low income groups, build hospitals and old age homes, help governments in building infrastructure, and also research ways and means to make this world a safer, greener and happy place for everyone to live. To deliver what we promise, we need to ensure two things: Firstly, Futureman Inc should always exist and secondly, there should be a world with people to exist anytime in the future. You do not want to travel to a distant future and find out that the world as we know it does not exist anymore. The whole company is founded on the principle that the human race will never cease to survive and will always work to do what is good for itself and the planet.

Q. So one can say Futureman Inc is ensuring the survival and prosperity of the human race?

A. The 2 billion people who invested in us say it. They believe we are doing a good job, they trust us. But what a lot of Futureman’s critics do not understand is that these 2 billion people trust the ability and ingenuity of the human race. They have invested in each other. They have invested in a future that will be decided by them. At Futureman, we believe that we are building a better world for our children as well as for our own future. We are inspiring people to believe in the impossible and to show, time and again, that we can achieve it. Our work has given confidence to a large number of people who willingly donate enormous sums of money for various welfare projects. This shows that a lot of people believe we are doing good for our fellow human beings and for our beautiful planet. We are constantly encouraged by this alone. We do not let our detractors to get into our heads for this reason alone.

Q. You have compared yourself with religious institutions previously. Do you.. ?

A. (interrupts) I have never, and will never ever compare Futureman Inc with any religious institutions. All I have talked about is faith. I have used religion as an analogy to explain what I meant by faith.

Q. What do you mean exactly?

A. I do not consider myself to be well – versed with science or religion, but all I believe in is the power of faith in something and how that inspires you to actually achieve the impossible. Every religion talks about a faith in a Supreme Being, or a Force, or God, who is infinitely capable beyond dreaming. Worshipping God and believing in Him inspires confidence and joy in millions, even though we never see Him. This faith inspires people to ensure that the institutions that safeguard the sanctity and interests of the religion always exist. And thus, they all invest in the religion though their time, money or even by celebrating festivals. At Futureman, we ask people to have faith in each other. To have faith in the infinite power of our imaginations, ingenuity and resolve to make life better for each other. We may never be able to see God, but we see each other everyday. Throughout history, man has been performing miracles which have constantly improved the way we live. We have never ceased to amaze each other. We have never stopped dreaming and we should never stop dreaming. If the caveman could be transported to our time, he will definitely think we are Gods. It is truly heartening to see that 2 billion people believe in a better future. They all want to see their children happier and we want to ensure that we provide them with what they want. And we have already begun to do so. Your children are receiving the fruits of your investment after your death. Your family receives blessings from Above for your faith in religion, but your family will definitely receive tangible returns because of your faith in us, and by us, we mean each other.

Q. If there is one thing you would want to say to the world, what would it be?

A. All I would want to say is that the biggest insurance for the survival and prosperity of the human race is each other. We are capable of achieving the extraordinary and it is only by having faith towards this capability that we can ensure the betterment of the world we live in. I would definitely wish to see a world where everybody trusts their fellow human beings and encourage their pursuits, however extraordinary it may seem. If I ever get to travel through time to the future, I would want to see a world where we respect, love and trust one another.

Number 33 and the other 39 thieves

( An experiment on alternate perspective... or something of that sort)

(Based on a popular Arabian nights fable )

Number 33 and the other 39 thieves

The Boss always has the weirdest of schemes. I have been sitting in a very uncomfortable oil jar, empty of course, for the past two hours and every joint in my body aches. At least, the jar doesn’t smell of oil. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s oil. You can never really wash off oil from your hands, can you?

I do not have a name but the gang calls me number 33 which I think is a pretty cool name. Everyone in the gang has a number for a name, except the Boss. There are 40 of us. No. There were 40 of us. Now we are 38. And it’s all because of this wood cutter called Ali Baba. We are all waiting in his backyard right now, the 37 of us, each hidden in an oil jar while the Boss is disguised as an oil merchant. You might be thinking why all of us are hiding in oil jars. Well, we plan to kill Ali Baba and his family tonight. Yes. That is what we all are - a bunch of unimaginative thieves, murderers and plunderers who have numbers instead of names.

You might be thinking how we got ourselves into this situation. It all started when I got recruited into the gang by the Boss. I was a simple thief back then, innocent and naive. I couldn’t even ride a horse back then. But I apparently had potential to be an excellent robber and murderer, and the Boss promised us something extraordinary too. I jumped at the chance. Soon I was killing, looting, raping and plundering. Oh! I forgot the best part. I became member of an exclusive club called the ‘Cave of Wonders’. It was a cave where we stored all our loot after our plundering. It was an excellent hideout too because nobody but one of us could open its gate. Its gate was a huge rock covering the opening of the cave. To open it, all you have to do is –

1. 1Stand in front of it

2. 2Use your loudest voice

3. 3And yell “ Open ......” ... Wait. Why should I reveal my secret to you? Not that you will find the cave anyway. But this Ali Baba did and he also found out our secret. I need to hide this tiny detail from you, my patient reader. I’m sure you’d understand. Maybe you can ask Ali Baba about this, if he survives the night that is.

Anyway, there was this one day when we all came back from our daily round of looting and plundering to the cave. My Boss has great attention to detail and as soon as he entered the cave he proclaimed that a few bags of gold were missing. Naturally, we were all like “What the ... !” The Boss initially suspected one of us and threatened to cut each of our heads off until we tell him who took them. But then he realised that we were all hanging out together all the time and he would have noticed if one of us were carrying some extra bags of gold. He has great attention to detail, you see. So he deduced it must be someone else who stumbled upon our secret, which I deduced long before he did, but I kept my trap shut. Nobody can pretend to be smart around the Boss.

As we had no idea who stole the bags, we couldn’t do anything about this. It’s not like we can change the password to the cave. So we went on with our plundering and looting as usual. If it was me, I would have one of the gang posted the near the cave at all times as a look out. But the Boss is always right and I value my head more than my treasure.

Wait a minute. I hear someone approaching the oil jar. SSShhhh! Yes. They are definitely footsteps. Let me confirm.

“ Is that you Boss?”

Silence

“Is it time yet?”

“No, there’s still time. Keep ur voice low”

Well, looks like everything’s going to plan. The Boss sounded a bit different though. There was something feminine about the way he talked. He was supposed to be disguised as an oil merchant. I hope he’s not dressed in drag. I would love to see him dressed in drag though, the boys would love that. Anyway, back to the story.

This is where the story gets a major twist. We come back to the cave one day and see a guy actually inside the cave. Can you believe it? The thief who was trying to steal from us was lying down in front of the door, exhausted due to hunger and fear. He actually forgot the password. As soon as he saw us, he jumped so high, his head almost hit the ceiling. How we laughed! We got hold of him and drew our swords. Well, to cut a long story short, we cut his long body into short pieces. The Boss was pissed because we didn’t ask him who he was and how he found the cave and its secret. But we were all relieved that this trouble has ended. We hung the pieces of his body near the entrance as a warning to any others who might dare to get into the cave and felt everything was safe now. But we were wrong.

The next day, we find the body gone and some more treasure stolen. The Boss was violent with rage now. He ordered Number 40 to go to the nearest town and make enquiries regarding recent funerals. Number 40 comes back a day later and reports that he met a tailor who told him that he stitched the parts of a body together recently. The tailor got the orders from a pretty slave girl apparently. She blindfolded the tailor before taking him to the house and he did the job blindfolded too. So Number 40 blindfolded the tailor and asked him to retrace his steps to that house, which he did to perfection. Number 40 then jubilantly proclaimed that he left a mark on the door of that house and we can go kill all the people in that house tonight.

The Boss was extremely happy with No. 40 and promised him the slave girl. We left as soon as the sun started to set and when we reached that locality, we found that almost every house looked the same and EVERY DOOR HAD THE SAME MARKING ON IT. Somebody noticed the mark and replicated the same on every door just to confuse us. It was a very obvious mark, really. Who puts a smiley face on a door? Anyway, No.40 wet his pants when he saw the look on the Boss’s face. I’m glad he got that out of the way because he lost his head the next moment. So the 39 of us returned back to the cave.

Next morning, No.2 asked for a chance to find the thief. The Boss accepted and No.2 left. Even though he was second – in – command, No. 2 was always the butt of all our jokes. Who calls himself No. 2? Anyway, he returns a day later and says he used the same tailor to find the way to the house and he chipped part of the stone step off in front of the door. We all thought that was very clever and we were sure No.2 was getting the slave girl tonight. What happened next was really unexpected. Every house in the locality had the same shaped chip off the step in front of the door. I mean, how is that even possible? I had my mouth opened wide with surprise and then I saw No.2’s head rolling on the ground, his mouth wide open too!

The 38 of us returned back to the cave again. This time, the boss decided to take matters into his own hand. I guess he did not want to lose any more members of the gang. He returned a day later grinning widely. He used the tailor again and found the house again. This time he claimed to have memorised the exact location of the house instead of making any kind of markings. He has great attention to detail, if I haven’t mentioned it to you before. He also told us that the owner of the house is a guy called Ali Baba, who suddenly became very rich. He lost his brother Qassim recently due to bad health, but we know the actual reason, don’t we!

He then made an elaborate plan to dress up as an oil merchant and sell oil to Ali Baba at a very cheap price. He acquired 39 jars of oil and filled up only one with very high quality oil. We all hid in the other jars and travelled to Ali Baba’s place with nice, long daggers hidden in our sheaths. So that’s the story so far and I’m pretty sure how it will go on from here. The boss will call us and we’ll stealthily make our way to the house and make short work of everyone in the house. Then we steal the gold and go back to our beautiful cave. With the slave girl. Hopefully.

Wait.. there’s someone coming. I hope its time. I just can’t sit here any longer. I can't wait to slit some necks. That way they won't scream. I hate screams.

Oh good, he’s opening the container. What’s that smell? Is that oil? HOLY SH*&!

4 years - From Fourier's to 4 Ps

To begin with, I'd like to congratulate myself on two counts.

1. The title of the post is brilliant ( I think it is, if u don't get it, I recommend you to read the earlier posts. Of course, u might need to have some idea about engineering and marketing to get it... )

2. I'm back to the blog exactly 4 years after i wrote my first one. I sure don't want to make this an olympic event.

Happy Children's Day and World Diabetes Day again! I really don't know if any of my readers are kids anymore, but i sure hope they don't have diabetes.

Before writing this post, I was wondering if I should be introspective of the past or write about the future. I still have no idea what to write.

Listen to this while i think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-sx_NduQZs

I have decided to list down my greatest achievements over the past 4 years. The list is not ranked in any order of preference.

• Learnt to use Microsoft Powerpoint effectively.
• Forgot how to code 'Hello World' using C or C++.
• Maintained my physique.
• Sang and danced in a musical wearing fur. ( Played 'Scar' in a stage adaptation of 'The Lion King' )
• Learnt to wash my clothes
• Found out by adding 'che' to every Hindi verb, you can talk in Gujarati
• Rediscovered the village of my ancestors ( Quite an emotional moment, that one!)
• Survived 3 months of the Delhi summer
• Won 5000 bucks for spewing nonsense ( I love MICANVAS ;))
• Watched Rajnikanth's 'Robot' twice
• Watched ' The Lord of the Rings' trilogy 8 times and 'Fight Club' 6 times in a span of one and a half years
• Made friends with a guy I saw on TV.. once.
• Discovered I made a list of 12, I mean 13, achievements now

Phew! Good eh?

If you think the achievements are worthy enough , lemme know! If you think otherwise, you can go die!

Until next time ( hopefully before 2012 when the world's gonna blow up or something ) , have a good time and keep counting your achievements!

Cheers!

Understandably idiotic

Before I come to the subject of this post, I want to pose a very common and irritating question everyone faces regularly and which i will attempt to answer through this post. The question is
" I am bored. How do i get rid of this boredom?" Ok.. its not exactly a conventional question because it has a statement in it too, but anyway... u know wat i mean.. The answer to this question is as complex and as irritating as the question itself. But I'll try to give an answer free of complexities and try not to irritate u (much).
You must be wondering y i named this blog as "understandably idiotic". I will give u a historical example to explain it. Thousands or a million years ago, a caveman said " Urgg nog fem ish grrr.." to other cavemen. That was a very scintillating statement as it must have been the very first attempt by man for trying to have a meaningful conversation. But unfortunately, the other cavemen might not have understood what that guy said then(and also must have probably clubbed him on the head for making weird sounds). But slowly language did develop out of nothing... ok, wait... this wasn't really the example i was lookin for to explain wat i meant by "understandably idiotic". Lemme put it this way...
Have u ever had this feeling that sometimes, when ur alone and u think of something or get some ideas which sound great in ur head but when u try to explain it to others, it sounds dumb, or even idiotic? Try as u might...u wont be able to describe what u have in ur mind the exact same way to others. And then u keep thinkin about it until u get a headache or somethin. got it? or did U get a headache or somethin? anyway, thats wat "understandably idiotic" is all about. They are thoughts of mine which may sound idiotic or dumb at first but are kinda understandable once u really think deeply about it.
So back to the question regarding boredom. how does all this really answer the all important question? well... i guess u spent abt 2-5 mins reading this post...so for 5 mins, u got rid of boredom. U can read it again if u want another 5 mins of freedom from boredom. Yea..i know its a really weak answer but if u've got better answers for eradicating boredom, lemme know...

P.S:- If u think u understand wat understandably idiotic means...plz do comment ur views abt it. It will be really relieving for me to know that there is someone who feels this 'phenomenon' is true. And if u think i'm crazy and i wasted 5 mins of ur life for nothing...at least its better than gettin bored doin nuthin... cheers!!

An auspicious start

I have finally decided to do what i do best...waste even more time. But i guess this is the first time i have wasted, lets say, utilized time more creatively. I say this is an auspicious start because the timing is perfect. Today is november 14, 2006 and i dont say the timing is perfect because of today being children's day or world diabetes day. The timing is perfect because my 2nd year I semester exams start from tomorrow and i dont think i can have a better setting or atmosphere to start blogging.As i've brought out the topic of exams, I might as well talk a bit about it. Whenever i sit preparing for an exam and i dont understand some topic, i think why....When i say why, i mean "why am i trying to study this? how will it be important in my future(if any)? " Then i call up some of my equal-minded friends and they join me in discussing the applications of these 'topics' in the future and we end up abusing everyone from the class- topper to the guy who sets the syllabus. But anyway, we end up licking the shoes of the class-topper 10 mins before the exam asking him/her to explain that particular topic, or more importantly, askin for important questions.The thing i hate most about exams is some guy inevitably turns up and asks "finished studying re?" or" padh liya re?" and some idiot replying, " y u asking him baap? he's a topper...naturally, he'll be perfect with everything.." . Then there will always be one guy going upto everyone, pulling up a sad face and saying "arre...main kuch bhi nahi padha re.." (damn...i didnt study anythin) and trying to make us feel sorry for him even though he studied the whole previous night...Personally, i loathe being in the company of the so-called toppers ,for long, before an exam because i usually find their discussions alien to what i studied(i mean, if i studied) and keeps me wondering if i have studied for the right exam. Anyway, i have to end this abruptly bcoz i just gathered some "important qns" for the exam tomorrow frm a friend and i better give a look at it. Sorry if u guys found my blog a bit gloomy, i'll try to do a better job next time..So, to all u guys and gals out there, cooking up their brain juices...i wish u get through this apocalypse in one piece and u find time to read this and post a comment....and, o yea...all the best!! Cheers...