Number 33 and the other 39 thieves
The Boss always has the weirdest of schemes. I have been sitting in a very uncomfortable oil jar, empty of course, for the past two hours and every joint in my body aches. At least, the jar doesn’t smell of oil. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s oil. You can never really wash off oil from your hands, can you?
I do not have a name but the gang calls me number 33 which I think is a pretty cool name. Everyone in the gang has a number for a name, except the Boss. There are 40 of us. No. There were 40 of us. Now we are 38. And it’s all because of this wood cutter called Ali Baba. We are all waiting in his backyard right now, the 37 of us, each hidden in an oil jar while the Boss is disguised as an oil merchant. You might be thinking why all of us are hiding in oil jars. Well, we plan to kill Ali Baba and his family tonight. Yes. That is what we all are - a bunch of unimaginative thieves, murderers and plunderers who have numbers instead of names.
You might be thinking how we got ourselves into this situation. It all started when I got recruited into the gang by the Boss. I was a simple thief back then, innocent and naive. I couldn’t even ride a horse back then. But I apparently had potential to be an excellent robber and murderer, and the Boss promised us something extraordinary too. I jumped at the chance. Soon I was killing, looting, raping and plundering. Oh! I forgot the best part. I became member of an exclusive club called the ‘Cave of Wonders’. It was a cave where we stored all our loot after our plundering. It was an excellent hideout too because nobody but one of us could open its gate. Its gate was a huge rock covering the opening of the cave. To open it, all you have to do is –
1. 1Stand in front of it
2. 2Use your loudest voice
3. 3And yell “ Open ......” ... Wait. Why should I reveal my secret to you? Not that you will find the cave anyway. But this Ali Baba did and he also found out our secret. I need to hide this tiny detail from you, my patient reader. I’m sure you’d understand. Maybe you can ask Ali Baba about this, if he survives the night that is.
Anyway, there was this one day when we all came back from our daily round of looting and plundering to the cave. My Boss has great attention to detail and as soon as he entered the cave he proclaimed that a few bags of gold were missing. Naturally, we were all like “What the ... !” The Boss initially suspected one of us and threatened to cut each of our heads off until we tell him who took them. But then he realised that we were all hanging out together all the time and he would have noticed if one of us were carrying some extra bags of gold. He has great attention to detail, you see. So he deduced it must be someone else who stumbled upon our secret, which I deduced long before he did, but I kept my trap shut. Nobody can pretend to be smart around the Boss.
As we had no idea who stole the bags, we couldn’t do anything about this. It’s not like we can change the password to the cave. So we went on with our plundering and looting as usual. If it was me, I would have one of the gang posted the near the cave at all times as a look out. But the Boss is always right and I value my head more than my treasure.
Wait a minute. I hear someone approaching the oil jar. SSShhhh! Yes. They are definitely footsteps. Let me confirm.
“ Is that you Boss?”
Silence
“Is it time yet?”
“No, there’s still time. Keep ur voice low”
Well, looks like everything’s going to plan. The Boss sounded a bit different though. There was something feminine about the way he talked. He was supposed to be disguised as an oil merchant. I hope he’s not dressed in drag. I would love to see him dressed in drag though, the boys would love that. Anyway, back to the story.
This is where the story gets a major twist. We come back to the cave one day and see a guy actually inside the cave. Can you believe it? The thief who was trying to steal from us was lying down in front of the door, exhausted due to hunger and fear. He actually forgot the password. As soon as he saw us, he jumped so high, his head almost hit the ceiling. How we laughed! We got hold of him and drew our swords. Well, to cut a long story short, we cut his long body into short pieces. The Boss was pissed because we didn’t ask him who he was and how he found the cave and its secret. But we were all relieved that this trouble has ended. We hung the pieces of his body near the entrance as a warning to any others who might dare to get into the cave and felt everything was safe now. But we were wrong.
The next day, we find the body gone and some more treasure stolen. The Boss was violent with rage now. He ordered Number 40 to go to the nearest town and make enquiries regarding recent funerals. Number 40 comes back a day later and reports that he met a tailor who told him that he stitched the parts of a body together recently. The tailor got the orders from a pretty slave girl apparently. She blindfolded the tailor before taking him to the house and he did the job blindfolded too. So Number 40 blindfolded the tailor and asked him to retrace his steps to that house, which he did to perfection. Number 40 then jubilantly proclaimed that he left a mark on the door of that house and we can go kill all the people in that house tonight.
The Boss was extremely happy with No. 40 and promised him the slave girl. We left as soon as the sun started to set and when we reached that locality, we found that almost every house looked the same and EVERY DOOR HAD THE SAME MARKING ON IT. Somebody noticed the mark and replicated the same on every door just to confuse us. It was a very obvious mark, really. Who puts a smiley face on a door? Anyway, No.40 wet his pants when he saw the look on the Boss’s face. I’m glad he got that out of the way because he lost his head the next moment. So the 39 of us returned back to the cave.
Next morning, No.2 asked for a chance to find the thief. The Boss accepted and No.2 left. Even though he was second – in – command, No. 2 was always the butt of all our jokes. Who calls himself No. 2? Anyway, he returns a day later and says he used the same tailor to find the way to the house and he chipped part of the stone step off in front of the door. We all thought that was very clever and we were sure No.2 was getting the slave girl tonight. What happened next was really unexpected. Every house in the locality had the same shaped chip off the step in front of the door. I mean, how is that even possible? I had my mouth opened wide with surprise and then I saw No.2’s head rolling on the ground, his mouth wide open too!
The 38 of us returned back to the cave again. This time, the boss decided to take matters into his own hand. I guess he did not want to lose any more members of the gang. He returned a day later grinning widely. He used the tailor again and found the house again. This time he claimed to have memorised the exact location of the house instead of making any kind of markings. He has great attention to detail, if I haven’t mentioned it to you before. He also told us that the owner of the house is a guy called Ali Baba, who suddenly became very rich. He lost his brother Qassim recently due to bad health, but we know the actual reason, don’t we!
He then made an elaborate plan to dress up as an oil merchant and sell oil to Ali Baba at a very cheap price. He acquired 39 jars of oil and filled up only one with very high quality oil. We all hid in the other jars and travelled to Ali Baba’s place with nice, long daggers hidden in our sheaths. So that’s the story so far and I’m pretty sure how it will go on from here. The boss will call us and we’ll stealthily make our way to the house and make short work of everyone in the house. Then we steal the gold and go back to our beautiful cave. With the slave girl. Hopefully.
Wait.. there’s someone coming. I hope its time. I just can’t sit here any longer. I can't wait to slit some necks. That way they won't scream. I hate screams.
Oh good, he’s opening the container. What’s that smell? Is that oil? HOLY SH*&!
hahaha!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant! :D
ReplyDeleteYou’d so get that Pulitzer.
ReplyDelete